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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."