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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.