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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5