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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"