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Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.