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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......