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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a prescription bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…