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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.