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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?