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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar