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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.