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Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
My mind has a mind of its own.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.