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When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
I am used but in good condition.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"