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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.