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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed