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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.