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Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.