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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.