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My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here