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Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.