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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!