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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
My tricks aren`t for kids.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.