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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.