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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.