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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.