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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.