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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?