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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.