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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.