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I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes