Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."