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Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, Iām going back to bed.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.