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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.