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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever gave a sh!t about you all along!
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...