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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.