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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!