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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
justin bieber
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
My whole life is based on a true story...
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
It’s not pretty being easy.