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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
If you`ve had cats, the singles virus may already be inside you.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........