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In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
Mondays should start at noon.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
My mind has a mind of its own.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?