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I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
Tieam... problem solved
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.