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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.