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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.