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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
You make me want to be a drunker person
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches