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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.