Daily Silly Status

When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.

I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?

Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.

My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you

I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.

It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!

*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?

Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.