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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!