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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.