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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
this isn`t the status you`re looking for
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
Iām going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people Iām going to haunt grows everyday.