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How come know-it-alls, don`t know how annoying they are?
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.