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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
I swear this is the last time I watch Groundhog Day
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.