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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend