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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.