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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and Iām still at work.