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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Thanks to the presence of fools, wise people stand out.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.