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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
If you replace the "W" in "where" "what" and "when" with "T" you get answers to the questions.
Own the day
I`d share my Netflix login but I`m too embarrassed by "My List".
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
Been there, done that. allegedly
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."