Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.