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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Gravity is a real downer.
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.