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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.