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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.