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Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.