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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Is food porn star a thing yet??
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Do you really have to breath that much?