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I have an inferiority complex, but it`s not a very good one.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
I grew up for this?
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.