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iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.