Daily Silly Status

Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...

I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.

Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...

I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.

One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.

Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.

There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.

I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!

My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.

"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever

Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.

I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.