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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn`t like to be trapped by boobies????
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.