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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.