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Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.