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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.