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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
My house has really let itself go.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....