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I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...