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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.