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The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.