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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Redneck Word : debate...i was gonna go fishin today but forgot to bring debate
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.