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Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!