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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.