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Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.