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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
My IQ? ... With google or without?
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you