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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks I should skip work tomorrow.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.