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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.