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Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Carfax but for people
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.