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I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Yes, I talk to myself...Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself....and the makeup sex is awesome.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.