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They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?