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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.