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I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m