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Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.