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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.