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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
Maybe this comment wont be important for you guys here. Some of you will ignore it, most of yall wont bother to read and it`ll go unnoticed along with some others. maybe I`ll be criticized for this but I just want to let yall know I`m selling potatoes
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?