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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.