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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.