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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.