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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.