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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Don`t be sad, laundry. Nobody is doing me either.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.