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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know