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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.