Daily Silly Status

I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.

Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.

I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.

I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.

Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.

I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.

I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...

If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker

Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.

Line forms here for spankings

This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.