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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."