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How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
According to my current parking spot, I`m Chief of Police.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.