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There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
I make a great second impression.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...