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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent