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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Never trust a skinny chef
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.