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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Does "who cares" count as advice?
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!