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Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.