Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?