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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
The first sign of laziness:
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.