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I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
You are wasting your time reading this status.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Let`s drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.