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Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?